Barsexuality is the new black.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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