My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
