i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
