I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
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Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
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Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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