I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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