Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
