I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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