there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
