Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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