Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
