Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
