if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
