Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
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I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
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Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
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