I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just google imaged poop.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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