final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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