i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
