Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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