nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
