it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
