thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Randomize
