i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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