I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
