I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
