Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
