end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize