There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
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it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
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All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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