i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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