My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
