My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
