i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
