if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
All I want is dick and wine.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
