SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
