Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
