I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
