Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
