no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
