I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
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You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
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I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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