all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
