U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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