Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
