This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
