I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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