I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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