I just pynch a tree in the face
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
