I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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