Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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