if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
