I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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