There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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