How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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