someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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