dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
