why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
