He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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