I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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