I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
