I cannot find my penis.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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