i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
