My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
