Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
