I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
