WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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