Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
