The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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