I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
