i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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